EpicProgress.com - Damage Report February 13th, 2017

Nuclear launch codes and other hotel amenities, Canadian handshakes, grammar for Nazis, and high on a hill was a lonely diplomat – layeeodleayy-ee-hoo. Brace for impact, it’s the Daily Trump Damage Report for February 13th, 2017.

• Mediaite reports a random guest at Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort has had his picture taken with the man responsible for carrying the “football” of America’s nuclear launch codes. This is not the Onion, this is not satire.

• Canada’s Prime Minister and former Disney Prince Justin Trudeau demonstrates precisely how to shake Donald Trump’s hand.  In his efforts, he utilizes several strategies Epic Progress has detailed in the guide recently published “How to Shake Trump’s Hand”.  We strongly recommend other world leaders emulate Canada in this regard, or suffer at the tiny hands of Twitler.

• America’s treasury securities, which are considered by the global market as the most solvent and stable financial trust assets available for purchase – so much so as to warrant founding nearly two-thirds of the Earth’s currencies on the US dollar – are being sold off in bulk by international creditors terrified by Trump’s actions.  A sell-off is currently underway and foreign investors are pulling out of U.S. debt.

• The people most responsible for being aware of and acting on threats of national security and foreign policy, the U.S. National Security Council, is reportedly in chaos thanks to Trump’s bumbling mismanagement and appointment of Russian plaything, Michael Flynn. Leaders of ISIS, already grateful for the recruiting opportunities presented by Trump’s “Blessed” Muslim Ban, could be heard purring “Oh, really? You don’t say. Neat.”

• High Priestess of Apate, the ancient Greek personification of deceit and current White House Spokes-shrew Kellyanne Conway assures America and the media that Michael Flynn has the full confidence of Trump, despite all the lies and frequent communication with Russians about lifting sanctions.

• John Oliver hopes to teach Trump what reality is using the power of television. He is dedicating a portion of his show to teaching Trump how to ask things he may not know.

• To be an ambassador in the Trump administration, at most it takes being obsessed with a movie that takes place in the country in which you wish to be appointed.  In the case of hopeful new ambassador to Austria from the US, Patrick Park, he has seen The Sound of Music 75 times. Do, a thing, America had, before we bought a wall. Fa, a long long way to fall. Ti, a party that votes with Donald Trump.

• Trump lies about Bernie Sanders having his mic cut off during an interview with CNN.  Trump casually lies as frequently as normal people use the restroom, and with similar purpose.

• North Korea conducts missile tests in an effort to get a rise from Trump, and determine what Trump’s policy position will be towards the country.  So far, Trump has not made any indication as to how he will fail the international community on this front.

• Trump no good with spellings. He inauguration poster haves major typos. Misspells the word “too”.  Maybe could ask Zillionaire Amway Heiress now in charge of edukayshun if could do learns to write good.

• Bloomberg has put together a list of the 11 likeliest next targets of Trump’s war on international trade. Sneak Preview: In an interesting twist of fate from the last 8 years, it may be worthwhile investing in those apocalypse garden seeds and gold coins after all.

• The New York Times reports in-depth on the subject of how very much Trump’s own party hates him.Though they feel they’ve made a deal with the devil, and they are desperately willing to overlook the horrors and shame he has, is, and will bring down upon them – provided he continues to push their agenda.