Topic Tuesday #114 2014/09/23 "I’d Like to Have an Argument, Please.”

Topic Tuesday #114 2014/09/23 "I’d Like to Have an Argument, Please.”

Continuing my series on language arts, I’d like to have an argument. This is sometimes a difficult proposition. Most ‘normal’ people do not like arguing, and will actively avoid it. BUT we are in the information age. We no longer have to pay one pound for a five minute argument; we have the INTERNET!

To continue quoting Monty Python

M: An argument isn't just contradiction.

O: Well! it CAN be!

M: No it can't!

M: An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

O: No it isn't!

M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

M: Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'.

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn't!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

O: It is NOT!

M: It is!

Now, the British are long held as the masters of polite conflict, perhaps only matched by the passive aggressiveness of the Amish and the LDS church. Any session of British Parliament is rife with this style of argumentation. It’s great fun to watch and listen to but it’s absolutely worthless beyond a laugh.

“Argument” is actually only a component of a larger enterprise, that of debate. When confronted with a situation that necessitates verbal pugilism, what you absolutely must keep in mind - is your goal. Are you just being contrary? Then carry on as ham fisted as you like… However… If you want to actually win minds, you need to argue with purpose; that takes skill.
This is where all the things you know about talking to people comes into play. All your skills at listening and communicating are taken to task in a real honest argumentative debate. Imagine the fights you had with your parents or classmates or teachers when you were growing up. All the anger that you had versus their stoic and unmoving obviously wrong opinions. Did you listen to their side? Did the focus of the argument get lost with yelling? Did they even have a side or just slam the proverbial door with “BECAUSE I SAID SO!”? This is the end of an attempted argument; sadly, one that neither side could ever hope to win with logic and reason. 

What does a great argument look like? One that works for all parties?

Some key elements of proper conflict resolution consist of:

• Each side stating their case, preferably calmly, rationally, and respectfully, to parties that actively listen to the elements of the case.
• Further clarification is offered when questions warrant such.
• Analysis of positions is accomplished within the individuals.
• Compromise is offered and countered, and re-countered until…
• An equitable resolution is reached for both parties.

There are some problems with the above idyllic example. There are many times that one side is simply wrong, and they refuse to yield their position. Both sides may be in the wrong and a compromise does not bring either party closer to a best case scenario. Seldom does anything have a completely black or white solution. Get used to the grey area and not always getting your way, but try hard to keep your focus. Many arguments have been lost when the topic was changed out from under you. Some people you can’t reach with respectful arguments and you will either need to use a different tactic, or cut your losses and walk away.

Keep Calm and Carry On.

Topic Tuesday #112 2014/09/09 "Active Listening"

Topic Tuesday #112 2014/09/09 "Active Listening"

Think about what you want to achieve in a conversation.

What does it mean to listen to a person? You don't really have to invest much of your energy in the exchange. Listening is usually a passive action. Or is it?

Hearing what someone says is not the same as listening. To listen, you must engage the speaker. I'm not talking a bear hug or a death stare; you just have to pay attention and think about what is being said. Typical active listening behavior is characterized by feedback towards a mutual understanding. A subtle regurgitation of the information to illustrate that you have comprehended the information being shared; this is critical, and also a trap.

Let me explain the trap. You have likely encountered poor listeners. I'm not referring to those that just sit silently - nodding their head and not responding and carrying on like you didn't say anything at all;  I'm speaking of those that listen with only the intent to talk. There is only the most superficial listening involved in that attitude and it is paired with a form of narcissism. 

Of course, given that I am yakking it up on a blog, and have a podcast, there may be a degree of that behavior in myself, so feel free and take anything I say with a grain of salt. A big grain.

Some people are also poor speakers. If you combine a poor listener with a poor speaker, you may as well be pouring oil on water. If your aim in speaking is only to vent, you DO NOT WANT an active listener... You want a slightly responsive brick wall. As valuable as venting is, it has a place, and it can be difficult for either party to shift gears into more meaningful conversations from a venting posture. Let me add that listening to someone vent, can be illuminating; you may have to parse that information differently, as many people do not actually want constructive input... It may seem strange, but it is true. They want to talk, but not actually get help. It is a form of therapy, and you can feel secure in knowing that just listening is helping.

This can cause enormous problems. You have multiple tactics to use in your communication tool kits, and now you have to learn the right tool for the right job. 

My advice... And again, take it with a grain of salt, as your individual mileage may vary... 

Pay attention, and show that you are. Make eye contact (except for some people, who feel threatened by such attentions), ask for clarification on things you do not understand, try not to fidget and provide body language that indicates your participation. Relating things to your own experiences can work, however try not to talk too much about yourself. It can be hard to be engaged and yet neutral. Sometimes you don't need or even should not be neutral, other times, you have to be. Dealing with people is always a challenge.  You never know when there will be a pop quiz and you have to act. You may not be required to always be active, but it is a great idea to gather all the knowledge you can. Forming an accurate picture of your partner in conversation is the key to a successful exchange, even if that exchange has you acting as a brick wall. Remember the phrase, "If walls could talk" and chuckle to yourself (in private) and keep listening for your quiz at the end.

Topic Tuesday #111 2014/09/02 "Conversation"

Topic Tuesday #111 2014/09/02 "Conversation"

The world we live in is filled with words and ideas, deeds and adventures, happiness and woe. The great thing about being human is that we do not need to personally have to go through every one of these emotions or circumstances to understand and empathise. We have language. We can tell stories and sing songs and even gesticulate along as if we ever figured out how to master charades. But all this is about communication, and that brings me to the fine, and sometimes lost, art of conversation.
Conversation follows certain protocol. This is another arcane phenomena, Etiquette. Now this etiquette is essential in keeping a conversation going to the desired end, or resolution depending on your aim. You must be mindful of your manners. Be courteous and appropriate. Essentially, a great conversation is one that is had in the bounds of talking to a beloved great aunt, whom you don't want to wash your mouth out with soap. 

Not all of us can put aside our heated emotions and just talk about things, for a really good conversation you still require some emotions to keep the fire stoked. Some conversations are very difficult to have. Even starting conversations can be a flustering nightmare of what if scenarios, especially if it is important. A boss, an interview, a first date - or worse, the icebreaker. 

Now... I am not a master of conversation and I can and will step on my own tongue if given the opportunity. What I am is patient. My brain can have quips flying pretty fast, but I have learned that I need to slow down a little, and to worry a lot less. You will worry more about the things you never got the chance to say than the conversation that you have because of it. Just keep in mind, that your opinions stink. So does everyone elses. Don't be too much of anything: be it boastful, proud, arrogant, ingratiating, forward, direct, terse, or quiet. The last one is tricky, since next weeks topic may just be active listening,  your homework will be to go have a conversation with a complete stranger, about something other than the weather, health, politics, or religion. Those are advanced topics that require care to execute properly, without getting into another topic, the fine are of arguing.